Are we "abandoning ourselves"in our relationships?
Often
I see couples or hear the sadness of friends who commonly complain
about their mates and wish for a paradigm shift. I hear them echo "If
they can only be this way" or "If they were more like that." When I
pose the question: " Why are you in the relationship?", the answers
vary but they are quite revealing. It turns out that the quality or
behavior they are seeking from their partner fills an unmet need in
them.
For example, one client was distraught that his girlfriend would not
return his call or text until several hours had elapsed. He felt
"unimportant" and "disrespected". He feared that she was secretly
seeing another employee at work and was frightened of losing her. I had
asked him, "From the menu of choices, why did he choose to pick the
most painful and threatening scenario?". Needless to say, he had no
clear evidence to support his fear. Then why would gravitate to the
worst possible outcome?
The
girlfriend, in fact, was working on a big project which required her
to be in the physical presence of upper management most of her day and
she was unable to communicate with the freedom that she had before.
After this discovery he felt relieved yet ashamed for his mis-creation
of thought. We later discovered that his need to stay in constant
communication with not only his girlfriend, but most of his inner
circle friends was to "feel safe" and "free" from confronting his
painful history of abandonment. It turns out that his mother was an
alcoholic and would leave him in the care of a neighbor or relatives
for weeks at a time as she traveled with the numerous boyfriends she
meet during his childhood. This left him feeling isolated and unloved.
In order to be in a relationship with him, his girlfriend and
friends had to meet the following conditions : "Be there when I need
you and Don't leave me. "If they met his need to feel safe, wanted and
free from the feelings of exclusion, then he could remain secure in a
relationship with them. Historically any friend or lover who failed to
provide this "safety net" would find themselves in a quick divorce from
the relationship . Consequently, he often found himself alone and
constantly searching for the next slave to his insecurities. This
pattern of self destructive behavior continued until he was finally
willing to look at an alternative way of viewing his life and his need
to participate in co dependent relationships.
Through the practice of self love and parenting his "inner child".
he learned to recognize that he was safe and secure within his own life
and could never be left by anyone but himself. His relationship with
his girlfriend , now fiance, is now unconditional, more loving. more
honest, less manipulative, and much more joyous.
He is getting married next April.
Summary: This case study shows that until one is willing to
look internally and fulfill their "needs" independently of "another" ,
codependency will emerge as the driving motivation for any
relationship. Until one is willing to dig deep and redefine their fears
as lessons and learn to care for themselves emotionally, one will
search endlessly for a "business partner" to placate and ultimately
perpetuate those very fears. These fears, uncontrolled, will lead to
that which is most feared: Being left alone!
In the next blog we will discuss the people who also seek out and
establish relationships with our aforementioned case study types and
what their payoff is in participating in such relationships.
Letting go of the illusion of control requires self observation.
The source for all anger is our inability to
control something or someone. Though we can influence the outcome of
an event or the actions of another, very rarely can we ever control
either. The idea of letting go of control might challenge one’s ego at
first, as it’s very nature is self centered and needs it’s power from
others.
Today I pose a possibility for you to explore. Find yourself being
your own observer. If something or someone causes contraction in your
physiology, (tight chest, breathing changes, sweating, increased blood
pressure, etc.) feel it then see it as a witness of yourself . I
suspect you will see how much of your power you have given away the
false belief of control. The body is an amazing barometer to tell us
when something just isn’t right.
Listen to it!
Take the power back that you give to emotional stress and
circumstances beyond your control. Control is an illusion and the only
things you can control are your internal responses (feelings/reactions)
to an event or belief. I know this might be challenging at first, but
try it. It might work for you. Good Luck!
Often
I see couples or hear the sadness of friends who commonly complain
about their mates and wish for a paradigm shift. I hear them echo "If
they can only be this way" or "If they were more like that." When I
pose the question: " Why are you in the relationship?", the answers
vary but they are quite revealing. It turns out that the quality or
behavior they are seeking from their partner fills an unmet need in
them.
The
girlfriend, in fact, was working on a big project which required her
to be in the physical presence of upper management most of her day and
she was unable to communicate with the freedom that she had before.
After this discovery he felt relieved yet ashamed for his mis-creation
of thought. We later discovered that his need to stay in constant
communication with not only his girlfriend, but most of his inner
circle friends was to "feel safe" and "free" from confronting his
painful history of abandonment. It turns out that his mother was an
alcoholic and would leave him in the care of a neighbor or relatives
for weeks at a time as she traveled with the numerous boyfriends she
meet during his childhood. This left him feeling isolated and unloved.